Monday, October 16, 2006

Urban Offroad


Winter is fast approaching. One of the downfalls of winter (aside from crippling cold) is the snow and ice. This makes it a prime time to own a four-wheel-drive vehicle - for instance, a Jeep.
Imagine, if you will, the pure joy of getting to be that guy. The one who rides right on your rear bumper while you're trying just not to go off the road, due to your rear-wheel drive and bald tires.
Yes, picture this: there's two feet of snow on the ground, but people have to make it to work. After all, McDonald's yields to no elements. McDonald's is an element - Earth, Water, Wind, Fire, McRib.
But I digress.
You're driving casually at 45 miles an hour, because you can, in your 4x4 Jeep Wrangler with nearly every possible Jeep accessory (courtesy of Jeeps and Stuff) cursing all of the other poor fools who didn't have half a mind enough to buy something other than a Geo Metro, or Ford Taurus, or Chevy Astro. They're inferior vehicles don't belong in the same lanes as your Adonis of automotive engineering. All they're doing is slowing you down. You need'nt wait for these slow-movers, who are trying to discern between street, median and curb - each of which level with snow.
You could, theoretically, drive over the speck of car in front of you. You opt, of course, for the less offensive route and decide to pass him. The poor sap has his driver's side window down so that he can compensate for his poorly-defrosted windows. He will soon learn the error of his ways when you tear by him with your Mickey Thompson Wheels. You coat the interior of the small car with snow as you indignantly pass by him.
Survival of the fittest, that's the name of the game.
You know, however, that if the Metro should go off of the road, it would be only right for you to use your Warn Winch to make short work of pulling him out of the ditch and getting him back on the road so that the next machomobile might prey on him.

For anyone that might read this and wonder if I write this story out of spite from a past negative experience, I would have to say DING DING DING you just won a nickle! Be sure to find me and ask for it. Should you own a vehicle which is more capable in the harsh elements of a flood or snow storm, be mindful of the people with the economy vehicles that still have to get to work.
That's my moral.

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